As a new segment on this blog, I will be exploring ways to become a better writer. That’s why I’m so excited to try out some of the latest and greatest scientific innovations in the field of writing.
Today’s experiment includes improving your writing through osmosis. Let me elucidate this marvelous process. It stands to reason, that due to the majority of most “solid” objects (including books and writer’s heads) are in fact constructed of moving particles with vast stretches of empty space in between, that the process of osmosis may be employed to vastly increase a writer’s knowledge and/or writing ability.
Furthermore, the apparent fluid nature of the brain would connote a reasonable propensity that particles from one object, in this example particles of the book, would be motivated to permeate towards the semi-permeable membrane of the writer’s forehead toward the less dense region of the writer’s brain. Hence, making the writer that much more clever, articulate and generally lauded in the literary realm.
The process of improving your writing by osmosis is relatively simple and comprises the following:
- Step one: Lie down
- Step two: Balance a well-written book on your forehead. I would recommend starting with the classics. If you are a very poor writer indeed, perhaps try balancing several critically-acclaimed tomes on your forehead
- Step three: Wait (Waiting times may vary depending on the permeability of writer’s brain. Current estimates are reported as being anywhere from 2.38 minutes to 67 ½ years.)
- Step four: Arise and employ newly gained knowledge and ability to wow your friends and family
- Step five: Claim your place among the literary elite
Also, this is a nice activity to undertake if you are currently suffering from Writer’s Block as it is widely accepted that most book binding glues are hallucinogenic in nature and could help you come up with some neat new ideas. (Provided of course that you don’t mistakenly gnaw your own foot off for some reason...which happened to a friend of mine. Long story. Yet I digress.)
Note: If steps 1 through 5 are not successful, repeat as needed. (Until your writing dreams are realized or you’re dead, whichever comes first)